Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Dark musings 

Found out some gossip about one of my friends the other night. Not too much, since it stemmed from a conversation between Noodles and his wife and Noodles only gave me the basic outline of the situation. I'll give you even less: it was sexual in nature. More, you don't need to know. The reason I mention it is that this is just the latest of "revelations" we've had over the past couple of years of sexual tsuris brewing between some of our married friends. They've ranged from troublesome fantasies to full blown adultery and led to all levels of marital discord including a divorce.

My personal reaction to these revelations includes a mixture of emotions. Part of it is relief. I'm not immune to illicit fantasy and if you follow the standards of Jesus, who said that to look lustfully at a woman was the same as committing adultery with her, then I've been cheating on Noodles since before we were married. When I heard that these friends--guys who've I've looked to as good, upstanding individuals--also struggle with lust, I don't feel quite so sick and twisted. Another emotion I feel is fear, because if these can fall, what hope do I have? There's always that temptation to be just a little bit naughtier. To rent a movie that's a little more risqué, to check out a site that's a little more sexy, to be just a little more flirty. I know--when I think about it, anyway--that the high won't last, and the quest for a stronger rush will just lead me down a road I don't want to travel. Well, a part of me doesn't want to travel. Therein lies the problem. And then, swithcing emotions here, there's the sorrow and frustration of knowing that people you care about are suffering. I want to jump right in and help them fix things, but then realize that despite my affections, my relationships with them aren't deep enough to allow me to help them with such intimate issues. Assuming I could actually help instead of making things worse. And finally, to be brutally honest, there's the titillation of hearing some juicy gossip. What can I say? I can be a real jerk sometimes.

sigh. Okay, got that off my chest. Back to your regularly scheduled trivialities. (Wonder if I'll get a lot of Google hits on this post?)